through the haze

We may not ever find the meaning of life, but we may find meaning in our lives. A fine distinction. The search for the meaning of life—a lifetime could be spent in pursuit if one bothered. Some seek to become the best version of themselves. Others want to live out their wildest fantasies.  Some people want to live forever—or at least as long as possible. There’s the quest for knowledge. The desire to leave the world a better place. To be of service. Many wish to understand the mystery of God. Still others seek love, beauty, pleasure, power.

Some people, they understand life has no real purpose or meaning because us, we only happened due to random chance.

Me, I step on the gas and my 1970 Plymouth Superbird goes careening around the loop of the offramp, the 426 Hemi V8 engine roaring. It’s a smoky, hot summer, the sun blazing red through the haze like the cherry of a cigaret. I’ve got the top down and I’m driving much too fast, but I deftly weave in between two other cars on the freeway. Dropping a gear, I fly out into the passing lane thundering past a row of slower cars, slicks gripping the asphalt.

A 2 mg Ativan tablet is dissolving under my tongue much like the other did just a couple hours ago. It’s a strange sort of sweet. Candied, though I know it should taste medicinal. A forbidden dessert. In the distance, the downtown skyline melts into the sky. My finger fumbles for the volume on my phone to crank up the stereo. The Pixies’ Surfer Rosa album blares from the car’s speakers, Frank Black clawing out the lyrics to Cactus. Perfect summer music.

I’ll keep on chasing
What I know is there—
through the haze.

I’ll never find the meaning of life because there isn’t one—and I’m not looking. But I do often find meaning in life. A fine distinction. Like a razor’s edge. Torrid summer. Back pushed into white leather seat. Sticky. Hot. Wind blowing through hair. Chemical calm. Hum of rubber on the road, hypnotizing. No destination. No cares. No worries. It’s fleeting, I know. Artificial, too. But I’ll keeping chasing it. This meaning in life. This simple sense of oneness, of presence. This sense of being here in the moment.